One Month

Today it has been one month since we laid Caleb's tiny body in the grave. I look back and see God's grace upon us. My husband preached his son's memorial and then carried Caleb's body to the cemetery. There with our dear friends Karissa and Jonathon and our children we prayed and the men lowered our baby into a grave that was so small under the branches of a baby tree in a country cemetery. I will never forget the ache in my heart that day, and the numbness to reality I felt. I wanted so badly for that to be a nightmare that I would wake from. As we began to pull out my youngest son Justin (2 years old) began to scream "I want my baby brother!" and between racking sobs he pleaded "please don't leave him there, please don't leave him there!" Justin was worried because the grave had not yet been covered over and he realized the finality of what was happening for the first time. Between choking tears my older son Chase tried to comfort Justin explaining that only Caleb's body was there, Caleb was already in heaven. We only drove a little way down the road before turning back. Brent and Jonathan began to fill in the grave themselves waiting on the men to get there. Another heart breaking moment - my husband, my hero, the father of my children with his best friend filling in a grave of his infant son. Even though this was a difficult task he did it to comfort his remaining children. I watched, this was my life. This grief that I did not chose had shattered our world, this loss I would have avoided has changed forever our lives. This child that never took a breath outside the womb, opened his eyes to see this world, or cried his first cry has made tiny footprints across our hearts. His life has changed our life....his death has changed our faith. He was a blessing from our Lord and because of him we have seen our Lord in a new way.

Today my husband stood before a group of people at a holiday memorial service at a local funeral home to deliver a message. Strange how these things work out. 15 minutes prior to preaching our son's memorial he had received the call to preach this one, and now exactly one month after our son's memorial my husband stood to deliver a message to hurting people. Sometimes in the midst of our shattered hearts and dreams we are called to serve, and in that service God makes something more beautiful. We met a compassionate couple there today. They had experienced the loss of her mother and also the loss of twins a few years before. Only God can set up such divine appointments. I am ever grateful to my Father who sees to it that I am never alone. God is good.