JOURNAL FROM THE HEART
This will most likely be one of my longest post and most personal on the site ever. Please bear with me as I feel that it is of the utmost importance to testify of God’s grace and goodness and his sufficient supply in the times of our needs and trials. As most of you know I am experiencing some problems with this pregnancy and it has brought me to the cross more than once. I could wait to see the outcome then testify of God’s goodness, yet that is not what God is calling me to do. Paul did not wait until his freedom of circumstances, his deliverance from jail or trails to speak of the goodness of God – Elohim (The Lord of Lords). This is my most difficult as the subject is so new and raw in my own heart and as I am still in the midst of this storm – yet God has begun a transformation that is beautiful. I trust completely in his will and know that his ways are far above my own. I believe that every life is not without purpose – from the very moment of conception – that moment when it is placed in your womb before you even know it. That life is not without significance and purpose. For me to see it any other any other way would be to negate the very word of God that states from beginning to end this very thing : He knew us before he placed us, he knit together our inner most parts, he ordained us, set us apart, numbered our days, laid out a plan for our lives, and gave us a certain end! This means from the very moment we are placed our life is important and begins to have an effect on this very world. We become a testimony of God. So let me share with you my journal. I do not know the reason other than to let you all know that “The Right Christian thing to do” flew out the window and ONLY a personal relationship with Christ is the anchor - - - all the church, all the “right” words, all the scripture quoting, all the songs - - - they do nothing. Only that relationship that faith in Elohim makes the difference. Faith has become more for me than a word, a work - it is my reality – for it is these things that I can not see that have made this present trial bearable, it has kept me from being overwhelmed by fear and doubt. Faith is truly rejecting this reality for the reality of the cross and this being done the circumstance does not change but the view does!
9/4/2010
I have started this a few days late but none the-less here it is – my testimony of the goodness of God in my life. On Sunday (6 days ago) Brent and I headed to the ER as a cramped and bled. Brent prayed over our child as we drove down the highway, both us clung to the promises of our God. Repeating that we walk by faith not my sight and that which God has promised he is able to deliver. When the doctor came back with a negative report I sat stunned unable to react. “Good HCG, visable yolk sac and gestational sac – NO BABY….Could be that you have already miscarried and the baby is already absorbed or could be that it is just too early”. The bleeding and cramping had stopped, but what to do with this information. On our way home we decided again that we would cling to God’s promises. We began to rejoice that our reality was not the report of man, but it was the promises of God (the things we can not see). The next morning we both awoke rejoicing in the promises of God almighty. It was this day we called our baby Caleb Levi. Calab because when he was old he still said “give me my mountain” and Levi for the keepers of God’s law.
This morning I rolled over to a sudden tremendous gush of blood and clots. This was followed very quickly by the onset of labor like pains that immediately brought tears. I called Brooxie and then Marni who came to set with the children. Again, numbness came over me – was this it? Would this be good-bye to our child? My spirit strove against my flesh and the overwhelming fear and darkness of the enemy. “Your reality child is not this which you see and feel – it is Jesus Christ – You MUST focus on Jesus Christ or you will be overwhelmed by the fear and the darkness of the enemy”.
So silently as pain pulled at my body I repeated to myself: “ You are my strong tower, you are by help in this trial, you are my strength, you are my courage – I will not question your ways that are greater than mine no matter what – I will not questions your ways – increase my faith Lord, nor will I surrender readily that which you have given to me over to the enemy. You alone are able to give and take. You are able to deliver me – I trust you will to be worked out completely for your glory, what ever it be – I walk by faith and faith requires only that I focus on the cross…. You are my strong tower……”
Again, Brent and I prayed over our child claiming scriptures over him and the promise that God is able. This time the pain and bleeding did not stop instead it increased. But this time on the sonogram was a strong beating heart – a healthy baby!!! Blood work good – bleeding coming from where the pregnancy or placenta had tried to attach. If it stops and attaches all is well – follow up in a week.
I think that I have cried more today than in my life. But God has whispered into my ear that he would lead me into green pastures – these are the prayer and comfort of my church family. The still waters have been the comfort and refreshment of God’s word.
I have come to understand in a new way the phrase “the valley of the shadow of death” found in Psalm 23. As I traverse this valley of suffering my heart goes from breaking to rejoicing. You see death is just that a “shadow” – that which was and that which could have or might have been. A Shadow much like the one created by the sun as it hits one side of your body casting a image of you. You can step on your own shadow, but you can never walk from your toe to your head nor catch up to your own shadow. Yet someone else can walk through your shadow, stand in your shadow. You feel nothing as they pass through the shadow because it is merely a gauzy reflection of you. But for the person walking through this shadowy valley our emotions well up as tide within us and threaten to overtake us as we consider what could have been and what was.
I am in this valley of uncertain times – but I have found the meaning of comfort of God’s rod and staff. You see God does not want us focused on the shadow – death may or may not come – our certaintity I this only that if the shadow does not fade then the life is still there and when it does fade it fades into the Son of Eternity – the brightness of heaven’s light. Our time is here and now this present moment. I have found that this is the place of faith refinement. A place our sight can be changed from here and now to the sight of faith. A place where we are each called to at sometime and we are faced with this charge: “Choose ye this day whom you will serve – the God of your fathers or the god of this world (the enemy), What reality will be yours? – The reality of God’s promise or the reality of the Father’s of lies and shadows and fears? Will you put o the whole armor of God and having done so will you stand? Will you stay in your bean field faced with your Goliath and having done all stand?”
9/7/2010
We made it to the OB appointment. There again was our baby – healthy beating heart! The negative the uterus is filled with clots, BUT here again the miracle and provisions of GOD!!! The clots are above and around the baby outside the sac. They are not near the placenta that is very well attached. The bleed is above the baby!!
God's hand clearly over our child, clearly protecting him! Overwhelmed at God’s goodness I proclaimed it there “THAT IS THE GREATNESS OF MY GOD” MY God – the one I serve the one that heard My prayers – the one that loves ME!!! Tears flowed down my face – I do not know if the doctor thought I was crazy or not. I listened as he repeated the rest – blood work weekly, 50/50 chance of survival, sonograms weekly, rest and take it easy, must monitor the clots and make sure they are dissolving and coming out, bleed will hopefully heal on its own.
On the way home more prayer and proclamation of God’s promises.
This week my church family has done what it does always – freely given of itself to the service of others. They have been my green pastures. They have faithfully lifted up our family in prayers. They have brought meals every day – a blessing much needed in this first week of adjustment. They have spoken words of affirmation. They have showered us with love and comfort – only God could have planned it this way!
Our family has drawn together in prayer and God’s word has strengthened us .
Every once in a while I am drawn back to the statement 50/50, but God has given me this – we are each only guaranteed a this moment. We each have only a 50/50 chance to make it through this day. For our days are numbered by our God and he alone holds the time for each of us. So this day I will choose the reality of faith – things which I can not see, I will rest in promises breathed in the living Word of God, I will cling to the cross, I will choose this day to surrender to His will for His purpose, to rejoice in this present provision that he has given us. I will choose to give testimony of His Goodness and to be thankful in this.
11/2/2010 An email to a friend
I must begin by saying I serve a mighty and compassionate God who has touched my life in a very personal way. On October 26 we went in for our 14 week (4month) OB appointment. At this time we were told that little Caleb's heartbeat could not be found. Devasted and numb I sat and listened as the doctor told us that the bleeding had become so bad that clots and blood had filled the uterus and blocked Caleb's blood supply. My heart shattered and my world felt as if it was shifting on it's axis. Wildly I groped in the blinding hurt to grasp hold of the cross, just to hide in it's shadow and feel the Father's arms around me rocking me and to hear his tender voice whispering words of comfort only He can speak. We took several days off with our children, just to be alone and pray as we had some decisions regarding the delivery of the baby (whether to wait it out - up to two months - to deliver naturally at home, to have a D&C - which we were told the baby may be too big for, or to have an induced labor using laminaria and medication - very painful. After several days and much prayer we opted for the last option and labor induction was begun on Monday Nov 1 at 4pm.....Caleb Levi Riddle was born on Nov 2nd at 12:36 am, weighing 8 ounces (he had lost some mass due to the time between induction and his death), and 3 1/2 inches long. We were able to see him and the hospital took his tiny hand prints for a keepsake of his life. We will be burying him at a beautiful church cemetery close to our home this weekend. God has been so faithful through this pregnancy that even in Caleb's death I see the provisions that God gave us. Just two weeks before we were able to count finger and toes on the ultrasound and hear a beating heart. Through it all we have been afforded many times to testify of God's unending provisions of grace and mercy and love and comfort. Even now we are looking at the fact that God brought us to this mountain and deep and dark valley to show us a need for a ministry to those who have early miscarraiges (before 20 weeks). We found it difficult to find a place to bury Caleb and found almost no resources or ministries in this area for this particular type of loss (as so many do not see life as beginning at conception although this is perfectly clear in Psalm and Jeremiah 1 when it is recorded that God knows us before he places us in our mother's womb). We are praying that God provide us the finances to purchase land here in Texas to open a memorial cemetery for miscarried babies (those born before the 20th week). We hope to begin a ministry to offer grief counseling and support to family members as well as a place to bury the baby or (in the case of D&C when the body is not available) at least place a memorial of some sort. Our ministry is to be called Caleb's Mountain Memorial Ministry - as Caleb of the bible said "Give me my mountain" - and miscarraige is truly a steep and scary and often lonely mountain to climb. Though my pain is deep ad my heart is broken I am ever thankful that my faith has been tried and refined in the fire and strengthened and redefined by the Father and through is grace and mercy. I am thankful for his answered prayers and His comfort. Please pray for the finances to come through and pray for us as we begin a new family ministry.
THANK YOU 11/4/2010
On October 26th we went to our regular OB check up expecting that all was well with Caleb. Dr. Mason listened for the heartbeat and found none - encouragingly he patted my hand and told me that sometimes babies turn and it is difficult to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler. So they got the ultrasound machine. As I lay there that day watching his expression change my heart went numb. No heartbeat, Caleb had passed away. I felt my world crash around me and could barely hear the next things that Dr. Mason said - I called Brent and he came in with all our children in tow.
The next week passed in a blur of heartache and questions - and how do you answer the questions of your children when your very own heart is reeling in shock. I felt so separated from reality - begging for a Lazarus miracle and receiving a small answer: "Surrender it all to me, I will take care of you - this seems like it will overwhelm you, but just as I stilled the wind for my disciples I will still this too, surrender".
What a difficult thing to do - human nature cries out for answers, demands control, wants stability, needs things fixed. God however wants us to be fully reliant on him, to give up the need for control, to accept the broken - knowing that in our brokenness He is making something more beautiful in the end. The key is letting him have the brokenness and not asking what he's making but fully trusting that it will be better and blessed.
I think I cried enough tears to fill a river, yet my comfort is those tears were lovingly counted by my Father.
Peace comes in that surrender - a strange peace that I am unable to put into words. God did not remove my heartache, he did not stop my pain, he did not stop my tears. He just wrapped me up in his love, wrapped my family up in his love. And we are changed because of this surrender, because of this encounter with His love, His grace, His provision. Our eyes were opened to spiritual things so beautiful that we shall never be the same. What the enemy would have as tragedy our family sees as victory, what the enemy would use to drive a wedge between husband and wife have driven us all the closer together as we leaned into our Lord, our Refuge, or Strength and Strongtower.
My Father's words to Jeremiah so many years ago echoed in my heart.."Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; and before you came forth I sanctified you..." (Jeremiah 1:5), and again in Psalms David recounts the same knowledge. Caleb was known and loved by God. He was given as a heritage and blessing to Brent and I and our children - Anna Grace, Chase Ryan, Justin Wyatt, and Rachel Elisabeth. Caleb's days from conception where written out by God, numbered by His hand just as each one of our days are. His life was sanctified - set aside, special and valued - by God. He was created for an expected end (as the scriptures say each of us are). In what the world sees as a tragedy I see such blessing. I am continually overwhelmed by God's provision. we prayed to see Caleb - God gave us a clear ultrasound just 3 weeks before his death. We watched as he waved his arms and kicked his feet to the beat of his beautiful heart. Then God granted us delivery in the hospital where we were able to see his perfectly formed body.
Through this entire pregnancy God has faithfully answered our prayers, strengthened us in our weakness, comforted us when we were fearful, given us words to comfort our children, and filled our hearts with overflowing love for God.
Life is beautiful, real and precious! I am ever thankful to God for this life that changed our family. Though he will be greatly missed I am so thankful God saw fit to allow him here for the time that he was here.
Today, we were surrounded by our spiritual family - our church family. They grieved with us and comforted each one of us in ways that others have not. They have stood by us throughout this, and lifted faithful, beautiful prayers on our behalf to God. I can never say enough to this family God has provided us in way of thanks. Through this God has shown me how very special our spiritual families truly are - for we are joined by a common God in a miraculous love.
Caleb Levi Riddle
Born November 2, 2010
12:26 am
3 1/2 inches long
8 ounces
Titus Memorial Hospital
Little Brother to: Anna Grace (Sissy), Chase Ryan (Rocky), Justin Wyatt (Jay), and Rachel Elisabeth (Rae Bird)
Son of Brent Ryan and Abbie Day
JOURNAL 11/24/2010
11/24/2010
This Thanksgiving I would have been nearing my 20th week. I would have been feeling the movements of life within me and would have been laying awake at night praying over that tiny form just as I have done with my other four children. Instead the past three weeks have been filled with listless, lonely nights with sleep just beyond my reach. Even in sheer exhaustion as I lay down my chest seems to clamp within a vice and my heart races to an unbearable rate. I beg for focus but seem so far from God - my Comforter. I feel as David felt - "How long will you stay hidden from me?" - though I know he is right there. I try to be silent and still - waiting; but many nights find me wandering from bed to bed praying over my sleeping family. I have even gathered my sleeping itty-bittys (Rachel and Justin) into my arms just to breathe them in and rock them or leaned closely to Anna and Chase (who are now too big for me to pick up without rousing them from sleep) just to trace their brow and kiss their forehead. I never could have imagined the magnitude of such loss or how my arms would ache so bad to hold Caleb, to kiss his fuzzy little baby head, to hold him close to nurse, or to rock him to sleep in the silent of night. My heart absolutely aches at the realization that I will not see his first steps or ever hear his laughter (what would that have sounded like anyway), or see his eyes look into mine with unconditional love, or see him grow up.
I know God's goodness - I've experience His mercy - stood washed in His grace - been rocked asleep in His arms - and heard His whispered love. I do not doubt He has gathered and counted every tear. I know that Caleb is experiencing perfect love - a love not fully experienced here on earth because we are sullied by sin and walk in wretched humanity unable to experience such love in its absolute fullness. I believe with all my heart that God whispers our love for Caleb to him and has told him that we will soon be together. However, in my humanity I am weak and broken - and my heart is in agony and the recovery is slow. I feel poured out and broken before my Father, laying on His alter.
I did not choose this loss - it was written in my story before time began by a Just and Loving God. It is simply a part of my journey to my "expected end" that is promised in scripture - the purpose and end God has planned for me. My choice was and still remains: will I surrender this life to God's will - will I invite Him and allow Him to work in me and through me to make my life a tapestry woven of the finer things of God - the end product being a completed work of God - a reflection of Him to whom I belong. Yes....though I be weak I will depend on His strenght as I surrender.
I did not chose this loss - for if it had been my plan I would be welcoming a healthy baby into the world - but then my plan would have meant omitting God and the blessings of Him who gives and takes away. The truth remains though that we have no choice in life or death - God has numbered our days, has set our path. Our choice is what we do with this free will, this life that has been given each of us. I am called to trust that which I can not see, to trust that all this works for my good because of whom I believe in. I am called to fall back on the arms that held me before time and that will welcome me home some day.
I have come to see how truly unworthy I am of God's love. In my selfish humanity I would not choose this loss. However, because of my once unredeemed state and because of His great love for me - God chose His loss that it would become my greatest gain. While we as parents pray for protection and recovery of our children, while we beg for the miracle of life to be sustained, while we cling to them as though we could influence providence, add one day to their life, or save them from even one sorrow - My God sent is only son into the frame of sinful humanity. To walk on this cursed ground in the weakened flesh of man, to be tempted, taunted, tortured, and killed by the sinful creation. He willingly set into motion a plan that would in the end break His holy heart for an unholy, unworthy, created being - ME - a sinner worthy only of judgment and the death. On the day that they crucified my Lord it is said that the sky turned black at noon and that the earth rocked and rumbled and split wide open - Creation cried out as Abba's heart broke that mine might be restored.
So who am I to question this loss I did not choose - this child I was asked to return to the one who created him in the first place and who blessed us with him for a short time? Should I not praise, even in this broken state? Who am I to question the Creator who answered so many prayers during the pregnancy - worked so many miracles - allowed me to utter His testimonies of goodness?
Grace allowed me to see my son's tiny form on ultrasound, to hear his heartbeat to the cadence of unknown angels songs. Love descended as a blanket from above in nights as I prayed over Caleb. Peace is like a hushed breeze around me as I walk this valley of suffering and as we walked through the shadow of death to emerge with praises. Mercy has delivered me from the arrows of the enemy. My Father's hands have lovingly gathered my tears and counted every one a precious offering. My Father's arms have wrapped around Brent and I and held us closely causing us to fall more in love with Him and more deeply and intimately in love with each other.
I will praise in this hour of suffering for beautiful things have been shown me.
I go to church on Sunday mornings and the praise music begins and this broken heart held together so gingerly shatters once more on the alter of praise as I am brought to remembrance of this great God who chose to sacrifice His only son for me. I come face to face with this Grace, this Love, this Mercy that has become so personal to me and that was given at such a chosen loss of my God. I who am unworthy am ushered into inner courts, into the holy of holies to praise before the alter, at the feet of the King. At times I can't even breathe, my tears fall in waves, I hold tightly the pew afraid to trust my own legs to support myself. My soul feels like it will burst. I am unworthy even to whisper His name. Yet here He invites me in to worship and in offering up this praise He sends healing waters to my heart. He sends visions of my son in the midst of the crowd of saints in the heavenly courts of praise raising tiny baby arms up to the Lord with smiles and laughter. Uninhibited, freely praising - giggling, dancing up and down in pure undiluted excitement.
I am not worthy of such honor and yet He has chosen to give it to me.
I am enthralled by this King, in love with this Savior, captivated by this Father, consumed by this God.
Thank you, O Abba for choosing your loss that it would be my greatest gain. Thank you, Lord, that you can take the loss I would not have chosen and the pain of that loss and make it more beautiful because of your presence in it. Take this life of mine, and use it according to your plan. I choose, O God, to give you alone the glory in my joy and in my suffering. If left to my own choices in this frail humanity I will always fall short of your blessed plan for my life. But I have confidence in the One who called me that you have laid my path and I leave my choices in your hand for your direction. I am surrendered. Amen
