November 2, 2010: An email to a friend

I must begin by saying I serve a mighty and compassionate God who has touched my life in a very personal way. On October 26 we went in for our 14 week (4month) OB appointment. At this time we were told that little Caleb's heartbeat could not be found. Devasted and numb I sat and listened as the doctor told us that the bleeding had become so bad that clots and blood had filled the uterus and blocked Caleb's blood supply. My heart shattered and my world felt as if it was shifting on it's axis. Wildly I groped in the blinding hurt to grasp hold of the cross, just to hide in it's shadow and feel the Father's arms around me rocking me and to hear his tender voice whispering words of comfort only He can speak. We took several days off with our children, just to be alone and pray as we had some decisions regarding the delivery of the baby (whether to wait it out - up to two months - to deliver naturally at home, to have a D&C - which we were told the baby may be too big for, or to have an induced labor using laminaria and medication - very painful. After several days and much prayer we opted for the last option and labor induction was begun on Monday Nov 1 at 4pm.....Caleb Levi Riddle was born on Nov 2nd at 12:36 am, weighing 8 ounces (he had lost some mass due to the time between induction and his death), and 3 1/2 inches long. We were able to see him and the hospital took his tiny hand prints for a keepsake of his life. We will be burying him at a beautiful church cemetery close to our home this weekend. God has been so faithful through this pregnancy that even in Caleb's death I see the provisions that God gave us. Just two weeks before we were able to count finger and toes on the ultrasound and hear a beating heart. Through it all we have been afforded many times to testify of God's unending provisions of grace and mercy and love and comfort. Even now we are looking at the fact that God brought us to this mountain and deep and dark valley to show us a need for a ministry to those who have early miscarraiges (before 20 weeks). We found it difficult to find a place to bury Caleb and found almost no resources or ministries in this area for this particular type of loss (as so many do not see life as beginning at conception although this is perfectly clear in Psalm and Jeremiah 1 when it is recorded that God knows us before he places us in our mother's womb). We are praying that God provide us the finances to purchase land here in Texas to open a memorial cemetery for miscarried babies (those born before the 20th week). We hope to begin a ministry to offer grief counseling and support to family members as well as a place to bury the baby or (in the case of D&C when the body is not available) at least place a memorial of some sort. Our ministry is to be called Caleb's Mountain Memorial Ministry - as Caleb of the bible said "Give me my mountain" - and miscarraige is truly a steep and scary and often lonely mountain to climb. Though my pain is deep ad my heart is broken I am ever thankful that my faith has been tried and refined in the fire and strengthened and redefined by the Father and through is grace and mercy. I am thankful for his answered prayers and His comfort. Please pray for the finances to come through and pray for us as we begin a new family ministry.

One Month

Today it has been one month since we laid Caleb's tiny body in the grave. I look back and see God's grace upon us. My husband preached his son's memorial and then carried Caleb's body to the cemetery. There with our dear friends Karissa and Jonathon and our children we prayed and the men lowered our baby into a grave that was so small under the branches of a baby tree in a country cemetery. I will never forget the ache in my heart that day, and the numbness to reality I felt. I wanted so badly for that to be a nightmare that I would wake from. As we began to pull out my youngest son Justin (2 years old) began to scream "I want my baby brother!" and between racking sobs he pleaded "please don't leave him there, please don't leave him there!" Justin was worried because the grave had not yet been covered over and he realized the finality of what was happening for the first time. Between choking tears my older son Chase tried to comfort Justin explaining that only Caleb's body was there, Caleb was already in heaven. We only drove a little way down the road before turning back. Brent and Jonathan began to fill in the grave themselves waiting on the men to get there. Another heart breaking moment - my husband, my hero, the father of my children with his best friend filling in a grave of his infant son. Even though this was a difficult task he did it to comfort his remaining children. I watched, this was my life. This grief that I did not chose had shattered our world, this loss I would have avoided has changed forever our lives. This child that never took a breath outside the womb, opened his eyes to see this world, or cried his first cry has made tiny footprints across our hearts. His life has changed our life....his death has changed our faith. He was a blessing from our Lord and because of him we have seen our Lord in a new way.

Today my husband stood before a group of people at a holiday memorial service at a local funeral home to deliver a message. Strange how these things work out. 15 minutes prior to preaching our son's memorial he had received the call to preach this one, and now exactly one month after our son's memorial my husband stood to deliver a message to hurting people. Sometimes in the midst of our shattered hearts and dreams we are called to serve, and in that service God makes something more beautiful. We met a compassionate couple there today. They had experienced the loss of her mother and also the loss of twins a few years before. Only God can set up such divine appointments. I am ever grateful to my Father who sees to it that I am never alone. God is good.

Caleb Levi Riddle

How precious was your tiny life
Created by God divine
Handed down as a gift of His
to bless this life of mine
So short the time I had with you
here upon this earth
So sad to say tears of grief
were shed upon your birth
What should have been a joyous thing
met with excited smiles
Seemed a journey in the shadows
that lasted many miles
Your spirit had gone to be with God
before I held you, dear
So instead of smiles and joy
I greeted you with tears
I can not know the reason
your time here was so brief
But take comfort in the knowledge
that you will never know such grief
Your days will long be filled
with angel's songs so sweet
And you'll have a chance before I do
with all the saints to meet
I imagine you will dance
in the inner courts of praise
And sing your songs of joy
with tiny hands raised
You are so loved by all of us
that remain still here
We can not wait to meet you
when we finally get there
For now I say good-bye
for but a brief time
And thank you for the blessing
you are to this life of mine.

Hope in the midst of the storm

Lamentations 3:22-26
It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. Is is good that a man both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord.

I am ever thankful for the eternal, unconditional love of my Father! In Lamentations we see that because of His mercy we are not destroyed by the things of this life. He is our salvation. Even in the midst of suffering and pain scripture reminds us of this unfailing, everlasting love. It gives the believer hope in the midst of the storms of life.

There is one condition of all of this. It is that we must know our Father, not know of our Father with a head knowledge, but rather we must have a personal, intimate relationship with our Father. We must invest in this relationship, spend time with God - in His presence. We must desire His word. Lamentations tells us that the "Lord is GOOD to them that WAIT for Him". We must learn to be still and wait for Him to speak, we must seek His presence. The verses conclude that we should hope and wait for the salvation of the Lord. This is our hope: He has said that He is our salvation and strong tower and He can not lie - therefor we will pass through this storm if our focus is on him.

This verse is dear to me. I am learning more to look to Father for everything. I would not have made it through the initial onslaught of my storm had I not hid in my Father's arms and stayed at the foot of the throne. Even now, I find my favorite place is before his throne in prayer or focussed on His face as I walk.

The Sacrifice of Praise

I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving, And will call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay my vows to the Lord Now in the presence of all His people, In the courts of the Lord's house, In the midst of you, O Jerusalem. PRAISE THE LORD! Psalm 119:17-19

I have come to understand this verse in a whole new way since burying Caleb on November 5th. It was my deepest desire to be back in church, to be surrounded by God's people, to worship him. Nothing, however, prepared me for the profound effect that the worship time would have on me.

If I have learned nothing else through this pregnancy and this physical loss of a child it is the grace of God. I have seen this first hand and have been changed by it. I can testify of His goodness - because it is real to me, tangible, I lived it and experienced it - I saw it in the physical and in the spiritual. I can with a clear conscience say I am not angry with God and I don't even question his will in all this. That being said, the pain is still sharp and real, and in this world I can't understand His will. I can not see what He is working in my life - my prayer is that my life is more beautiful because of Him in it, that I have lived and continue to live in such a way as to reflect the God I have come to know more intimately and personally through this trial - That I give him glory and honor which are due him.

However, when the praise music begins and I begin to pray and to sing something happens. As I sing about God's goodness, I praise Him for all that He truly is - as I stand face to face with those realities in the courts of the God most high something happens. All that pain, all that loss, all that ache comes rushing back. My breath catches in my throat, my heart feels squeezed, my eyes fill up and I struggle to keep composure. I struggle with the desire to run up to the alter and lay down weeping before a God that means so much to me that He has given so much that I simply do not deserve.

My praise has become a sacrifice - it hurts, it costs me my comfort - it is no longer all feel-good, fluff. For the first time in my life, I think, I fully realize the impact of grace, the beautifully tragic gift that was laid out for someone who is totally unworthy and will never be worthy. My pain, my loss, my dreams, those things I prayed for that will not be in this earth - all that falls away and I am overwhelmed, consumed.

A sacrifice of praise is the choice in the midst of your pain, suffering, turmoil, heartache, brokenness to come into the House of the Lord and offer up what you know to be true (praise of who He is, thankfulness for what He has done and what He is) even when it sometimes feels so distant.

The sacrifice is costly - it means to do it when you don't feel like it, when it would be easier to stay out of the courts of praise because the pain is so sharp and your throat closes up, your eyes overflow, and you feel again that intense breaking of your heart, your shattered dreams and aching soul.

This choice causes you to look directly on Christ - in all His glory and sacrifice - causes your heart to acknowledge the grace of God that is being lavishly poured out upon you. In the midst of this praise God brings you close to him and begins to comfort and heal you. He gathers you in His arms, wipes away the tears, and whispers his love: "My daughter, you are precious. This pain will come to pass, and in it will be something more beautiful. My heart aches with you, for you, but remember I am able to deliver you...I've loved you since before time began, known you by name and numbered your days and set your path - I can see the end..."

Through the sacrifice we are made more beautiful and we see the spiritual made manifest in this physical world. We are consumed by His love, grace, and mercy - and we are forever changed by the encounter.

I know this time of praise may be hard for a long time to come. The physical world takes time to heal. I am so thankful, for being able to enter the gates of thanksgiving, to come into the Courts of God most High and to lift praises - even if they come from a broken wounded heart that simply doesn't understand.

This is my Offering - Third Day

Brillian Fall Colors

I LOVE it when God paints creation in so many beautiful, breath-taking colors!!!